No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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