im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
