she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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