My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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