Where did you get a picture of my penis
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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