She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i will never coherently bang her
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
