How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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