did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
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just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
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I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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