Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
