someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
wakey wakey hands off snakey
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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