I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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