Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
