1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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