Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Randomize
