I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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