I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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