it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
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i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We have so much sex to catch up on
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
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To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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