god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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