i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize