i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
