Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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