someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
