I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
