So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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