No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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