Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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