4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
