the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Pants are for mortals
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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