Can i not drive my cunt home
I could make wine with my vomit
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
