I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
