she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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