His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
