one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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