so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Randomize
