put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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