He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
