White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.