I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.