I'm gonna have a badass scar
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
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Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
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I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.