is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
