Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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