I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
