Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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