I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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