i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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