I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
