Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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