Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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