Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
