I heard we made out
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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