he wants to bone in the snuggie
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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