i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
