Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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