I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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