better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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