I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
