i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
