I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
