College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
